Newport Manners & Etiquette: Wearing White After Labor Day

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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What to say to the survivors after a suicide and speaking at your grandfather's funeral. On a lighter note, what's with wearing white after Labor Day? All pressing questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com this week.

Black tux or white dinner jacket?

Should I wear a tux or white dinner jacket when the dress code is 'Black and White.' Cocktails at 5, Diner at 6? L.C., Manhattan

It depends on the season and climate. Above the Mason-Dixon Line, the rule is no white dinner jackets after Labor Day and before Memorial Day. Personally, I love seeing a white dinner jacket in late spring, summer, and early fall until October. In the tropics and warmer climates, dinner jackets are warn year round. Ah, Humphrey Bogart comes to mind.

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That said there is a dress code nuance that goes with the white dinner jacket. A bright white dinner jacket is worn by waiters and the off-white/cream colored dinner jacket is worn by guests. As a guest, the off-white or cream colored dinner jacket is what you want to be wearing to the party and not the bright white jacket. ~Didi

Wearing white year round

Now that I have accumulated a splashing white wardrobe and summer is nearly over, can I still wear white or does it have to be relegated to the depths of my closet until Memorial Day? Jane B., Chicago

Orange may be the new black, but white is the new grey. For the next couple of weeks wear your whites but subtly accessorizing them with other neutral colors such as grey, black or beige. Eventually going into fall/winter make white the standout element by wearinga crisp white blouse with a pinstripe skirt suit or pant suit or for evening a winter white cashmere sweater with abright colored velvet skirt or slacks. ~Didi

Condolence for a suicide

How do you write a card to your boss, who's grieving about his wife's suicide??? What's the proper way?  Name and location withheld

Suicide, as psychiatrists have pointed out, is a long-term solution to a short-term problem. There is no proper way, but you can say or write, "I am sorry for your tragic loss," which comes to the point mighty fast. You only need to write a couple of heartfelt sentences before signing your name. Stay away from being trite and do not write, "She is in a better place" or "She is at peace now," because not everyone believes that. It is best to stick to the facts and not write about God, blessings, or predicting how your boss might feel or how ill she may have been. The less said, the better. The important thing is that you took the time to send your condolence.  ~Didi

A teen's tribute to grandpa

At grandpa's funeral I will be presenting and speaking a tribute from all of us grand kids. There are 7 of us and all will be standing with me except my oldest brother, who is so devastated he says he cannot attend. What do I say to acknowledge the fact he isn't standing with us?  Name withheld, Hopkinton

There is no reason to point out your brother's absence at your grandpa's funeral. When you introduce yourself, say you are speaking for all of your grandpa's grandchildren without mentioning the exact number of grandchildren. Clearly state the name of each grandchild in order of their age, oldest to youngest starting with your eldest brother. In a situation such as this, you do not have to explain or ever apologize for your brother's absence. Grownups understand that people mourn and grieve in their own way and everyone will respect your eldest brother's privacy. This is a lot for you to take on, but as I said, we all deal with difficult situations differently and you're dealing with this one straight on.  ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

 

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