Newport Manners & Etiquette: Update Your Etiquette

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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Nonprofit board etiquette when members shirk their responsibilities, men's summer dress code for when to wear a jacket and white trousers, and what is the etiquette for life after death on Facebook? All questions to Didi Lorillard in the past week at NewportManners.

What's the drill for wearing white trousers

Q.  Is there a stigma attached to wearing white before Memorial Day and after Labor Day? Is wearing white before Memorial Day OK? I’m going to a party tonight and Memorial Day is tomorrow, can I wear white trousers?  –J.W., Newport, RI

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A. Winter white is a wonderful color to wear in cooler weather for a sweater or scarf. In the northeast it isn’t usually warm enough to wear white jeans, chinos or linen trousers, or a white dinner jacket, before June 1st.

There are many shades of white, the whiter the white the warmer the climate. Save your brightest white trousers for daytime and wear cream colored and off-white trousers after six o’clock.

Like all trousers, whites should break below the ankles. It’s especially essential with white trousers because you don’t always wear socks with your loafers in hot weather. Not everyone wants to see your gnarly, hairy ankles.

White trousers go best with loafers and not tie shoes, and look even more distinguished with a blazer — even without a necktie.

Don’t wear white trousers if the temperature is below 65 degrees, because most white trousers don’t have a lining.  ~Didi

Facebook life after death

Q. Periodically, Facebook reminds me of a friend or acquaintance who is dead. Either because it is his birthday and it wants me to wish him a happy day or it wants me to recommend people whom he should friend. If something happened to me, I would not want my face to hauntingly appear in the ‘Friends’ section of the timelines of members of my family and friends. In other words, what is the Facebook etiquette for life after death?  –Ophelia, Grosse Pointe, MI

A. There does not have to be any life after death on Facebook. You have the option of appointing a “legacy contact.” This executor of your account takes charge of the memorials after you’re dead. You instruct him or her as to your wishes. He or she has privileges that allow your profile photo and information to be updated. Your legacy contact can even be changed. However, take note that this memorialized contact cannot be changed once you’re gone.

From your account settings in your browser or on your mobile, select Security. Choose ‘Legacy Contact’ and type in the name of a Facebook friend to add as your legacy contact. If you would rather not have a memorialized timeline, you can choose the option of having your Facebook permanently deleted.

However, even without a legacy contact your family can report your death to Facebook and place a memorialization request.

Either way, your account name appears with the word “Remembering” in front of your name. In setting your security settings accordingly, friends will be able to post reminiscing comments on your timeline.

Facebook states that account holders with memorialized accounts can be assured that their name and face won’t appear in birthday announcements and advertisements, nor on the People You May Know list of friend suggestions. Otherwise, request to have your account deleted after you die.  ~Didi

Invitations asking men to wear jackets

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Photo courtesy of Nicholas Mele Photography at NLMphoto.com

Q.  Why are so many invitations asking men to wear jackets? It seems so old-fashioned to insist that male guests wear a jacket. Especially, in warm weather when a well-made shirt should suffice. Even some restaurants won’t allow you in if you’re not wearing a jacket. Is this some kind of fashion throwback because everyone wears t-shirts?  –W.L., East Hampton, NY  

A.  A jacket improves a man’s overall appearance by making him look a few inches taller and several inches trimmer. Broadening his shoulders, a well-made jacket can give any man a more manly look.

Whether it is a sport jacket, blazer, suit jacket, tuxedo jacket, dinner jacket, one that is well-cut jacket and fits you well, will give you a more masculine profile.

Out of respect for your host, you always dress up as opposed to dressing down. The host is saying. It’s a nice party and I want guests to dress up to show their appreciation by putting Jackets, Jacket and Tie or Jacket Required on the invitation.

Wear an open-collared shirt, or even a t-shirt, as long as you wear a jacket. To feel more summery, don’t wear socks with your loafers or docksiders.

Wearing a jacket is a sign of respect for the people whom you are meeting.  ~Didi

Nonprofit board etiquette when members slack off

Q.  We are on a large nonprofit board at our small local library. There are no term limits and we are trying to figure out the etiquette for asking members who do not participate in any way to revolve off in order to refresh our board membership. What is the nonprofit board etiquette for giving members the boot?

In none of the cases is there evidence of unethical behavior, belligerence, bullishness, or a conflict of interest. It is a matter of them never showing up for meetings or offering any input or funding. You can’t have constructive groupthink when board members don’t show up. It is a matter of ennui, indifference, lethargy, detachment, and tedium vitae.  –Anonymous, New England

A.  When a board member or committee member shows indifference to the nonprofit, the board etiquette dictates the need for an intervention to take place one-on-one between the board president and the person who needs to be replaced. They can meet informally or have a conversation on the phone. Say something such as this:

“It doesn’t seem like a good time for you to be taking on board (or committee) member responsibilities, which is why I’m wondering if it would be better to release you for the time being from your board (or committee) obligation.”

In offering a leave of absence, you are giving them the benefit of the doubt in suggesting that their board (or committee) membership and participation is up for discussion at a later date. Proposing a leave of absence is an opportunity for a gracious exit.

Your nonprofit by-laws should describe the impeachment process, should you need to vote the person off.

For more information on how to remove a board member, try the nonprofit website BlueAvocado.  ~Didi

Didi Lorillard researches all matters of manners and etiquette at NewportManners. Ask Didi your question about relationships and everyday dilemmas for a personal response.

 

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