Newport Manners & Etiquette: Trick or Treat Manners +  Much More

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

 

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At our newly designed NewportManners website this week, we answered essential questions on behavior from how to get out of a social obligation, manners for trick or treaters, excusing yourself from the dinner table, to how to mourn someone from afar. All questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.

Trick or Treat Manners

My family is new to the neighborhood and to this country. It is the first time our children 5, 7, and 11 have had the chance to trick or treat and we want them to be safe and do it correctly. How do we prepare them for Halloween? A.T., Seattle

Of all the holidays, Halloween is the most perfect for teaching 'trick or treaters'' good manners. Once your children have their costumes, rehearse a script of what they should do and say, and how to express their appreciation. Safety should be the first concern, but reinforced manners will stick forever.

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Have them go outside, ring your bell and ask you, "Trick or Treat?" Houses welcoming 'trick or treaters' will have a pumpkin or other Halloween decoration to signal to the 'trick or treaters' that the inhabitants have prepared treats. Your children would not knock on the door of a home that was not lit and did not have a Halloween decoration. When taking their treat, they should not be fussy. Even if they do not like the treat, they shouldn't walk away before taking one.

Once back at home, you would go through their Halloween bag or bucket with them to discard any treat that is not in its original wrapping; if they are allergic to nuts, read the labels carefully.  In your role as the chaperon, you would hold back by staying on the sideline watching, listening, and try not to interfere.

The resident of the house might ask each child about their costume, so you would role play and do the same, but you don't want them to linger and become engaged in a lengthy conversation. Unless they are encouraged to take more than one treat, they would only take one. Two or three if the candies are very small. Remind children that they are not allowed to enter the doorway into any house or apartment. Before closing your door at the end of the rehearsal, they should say, 'Thank you, Happy Halloween," and you would say, "Happy Halloween, you're welcome." The golden rule is: Treat others the way you want to be treated.  ~Didi

How to Get Out of a Social Obligation 

My husband and I look forward to attending an annual black-tie charity dinner dance that raises funds for our favorite non-profit. A couple we're acquainted with, but don't really like, attend every year too. That's the problem. A few months ago the wife asked if we would sit with them, and not knowing how to politely get out of being stuck with them, I told her we would. Even though the tables seat twelve, we would be sitting next to them the whole evening. Not our idea of a fun night out on the town. What we love about the event is meeting new people. The husband dances like a gorilla and lands on my feet and the wife gossips about people we like better than we like her. Well, she called to say she was going to request that we be seated together. How do we get out of spending the evening with them?  N. E., New York, New York

Color me shocked. You mean you don’t want to spend an evening with people you said you would sit with? Next time, tell the person that you have to check with either your husband, another friend, or couple, before committing. Then be sure to say, “I’ll call you, if we can join your table.”

Should she be so cheeky as to not get the hint and call you after you’ve essentially said, “I’ll call you, don’t call us.” say, “Oh, dear, I thought I said I would call you, if we were planning on being seated with you.” If she pushes, tell her you’re sitting with people who had already organized a table.

What about now that you’re stuck?  You have three options. Call the event person who organizes the seating to say you do not want to sit with Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So, and to please not tell them. Professional event organizers deal with such requests more than you could imagine. Second, grin and bear it, but when she asks you about next year, tell her you will let her know.

Lastly, be honest and say, “Thanks for calling, but we actually have great fun taking our chances by being seated with people we don’t know. That’s how we make new friends.” Your brutal honesty might sting, but she’ll get it.  ~Didi

Friend's Suicide?

Yesterday I read a very, very brief obituary of an old friend who died three months ago. There was no mention of his life,  wife, where to send a contribution in memory, how he died or cause of death. Only two sisters were listed as survivors. Both of whom I know and who must have paid for the notice in the New York Times. He grew up in Manhattan, but had lived for many decades in the northwest. I contacted a good mutual friend of one of the sisters to find out what she knew. She said she had called and written to the sister months ago and still had not received a response. She assumes the sister is deeply saddened.  Somehow a commercial sympathy card seems too impersonal. That sister lives abroad so sending flowers would be prohibitive as well as too late. What would you recommend?  E.C., Newport

Had the sisters not wanted their brother's death known, they would not have placed their brother's obituary in the New York Times. Try sending a condolence message through the New York Times Obituary Guest Book. No doubt, the paper will forward messages from any signers of the guest book to at least one of the sisters. Caution. Don't be tempted to share the guest book or obituary on Facebook. Let the family control the news on all social media, especially because the cause of death has not been made clear. It could possibly be suicide. Nonetheless, there is no deeper heartfelt expression of sympathy than a handwritten note.  ~Didi

Rudest date 

Having dinner at a popular Italian bistro-style restaurant in my neighborhood, I was shocked by my friend's behavior. When he picked me up at my apartment he used the bathroom. After ordering our dinner in the restaurant he used the restroom and then after the main course he returned to the restroom again. Needless to say, he didn't make me feel special. I assumed the second and third time when he disappeared to relieve himself that he was checking his messages. Three times all in the course of a three hour span. This is not the first time he has left me seated a couple of times during a meal. How do I handle his bad manners? No, he is not a medical doctor.  Betsy, Providence 

At the end of the next date when he's exhibited the same behavior, take his hand cupped in yours and say, "I'm worried about you, Charlie. Do you have some sort of urinary track infection or do you just need an excuse to check your messages in private?" Confront him head on.  ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her newly designed NewportManners.com where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book,"Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

 

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